finding the love in the pain

prioritizing your emotional/mental rest

When I tell the story of how I met Chad, I’m told that folks love to see my smile.

I was smitten but guarded. I’d been vulnerable and “put myself out there” as folks who want to be a couple do and was rejected and embarrassed. So when Chad pursued me against all the objections of others close to him, I was a bit in disbelief. But, after awhile, I rushed in and enjoyed being his one.

Chad Simon was a United States Marine Corps Infantryman when I met him in 1995. It was in his blood. So when we married in 1997, had our only son in 1999 and he deployed in 2004, it never occurred to me to ask him not to go and be part of it.

On August 4, 2005, we buried Chad in Section S of our local cemetery in Wisconsin. I’m still shocked that it has been so long ago because it really still feels like it happened more recently. At least the pain of what we endured at the hands of others is what still resurfaces for me around the many anniversaries related to his injury (November 2004) to returning stateside and being in multiple facilities until eventually he was admitted into Hospice (June 2005).

I think it’s my hypersensitivity compounded with so much grief and immaturity in managing difficult relationships that brings up the hurt more than the love. Because here’s the thing…

Despite all of the unmet expectations and unfulfilled promises from people simply being human, God also used humans to love me and our son in extraordinary ways. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Though, in my wounding, I mostly saw the hurtful things and over time believed that I deserved what was said and done.

But God.

God was always present and knowing. And He is always good.

No, our lives don’t look like we thought they would.
Yes, it’s horrible attempting to help your 25yo son through the pain he is feeling but knowing there’s only so much you can do.
And yet, when I get quiet and sit still, I can lean into and recall more of the good things that happened when Chad was still with us and after his death all these years later.

try this, resties!

If you’re new here, a “restie” is a busy, overwhelmed, tired woman who is ready to take steps to regularly prioritizing the best rest.

Allow yourself time in your rest to go back and look for God in that painful situation. I think so many of us turn our backs on God because we thought that being a Christian would guarantee us a protected life - we live how we want, do we what we want and God would allow it; which is ludicrous for those of us who know parenting. Think about it before you come for me.

It is loving of God to be with us through the pain of life and our less than faithful or “good” responses to what has happened. He sustains us and shows compassion for us. When we walk away and return, He greets us with an embrace and a kiss. (Luke 15)

Many of us don’t rest because we’re running from the pain of our past and ultimately know that when we take a break from that social media app or we take PTO and refuse to fill it with more busyness, we’ll come to a moment of reckoning about the condition of our hearts and our responses to things that wreaked havoc on our hearts.

Get your journal (don’t have one, let me convince you to pick up the practice of journaling - it’s sooooooooo good for you!) and pen, get to a quiet place and for 15 minutes let yourself go back to that incident, conversation, slight or loss and look for the goodness of God. Even if you can only write ONE thing, that’s a start. Try it again another day for longer.

You might be like, “But how is this rest?!?”.

I think of this as emotional/mental rest because you’re giving yourself an opportunity to re-frame some of the things that are keeping you chaotic, unhappy and hustling for approval. This is a tangible way to choose to de-center yourself and re-center God and His perfect love for you. (Don’t believe it, go read John 3:16, Romans 5:8 and Romans 8:35-39)

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Over the past 19 years, I have leaned into the worst parts of losing Chad and how I poorly I (and others) behaved when he died. I focused on the hurt more than the love and I regret that. But, God’s love is gracious and merciful and I’m counting on that as I choose to look for the love that happened during the hurt.