honest reflection brings about real rest

don't rush through this

I don’t know exactly how it happened, but it’s the night before you’re going to get this in your email inbox and I’m just starting to put this post together.

I’ve just returned from having my car serviced and am gearing up for what I think will be a quiet, uneventful but also very busy weekend. I can hardly believe that the end of January is almost here and I am often wondering where the time has gone and also how I’m going to make it through the year if this is the pace I need to sustain to make it through the year. Whew! Who else is tired already?!?

Mark Sather 1965-2023

I’m wrestling with a lot of realizations about myself as the two year anniversary of Mark’s passing approaches (January 28). While there has been so much healing in relation to his death, I am also surprised at what I know but have forgotten about how long it takes to truly heal when something traumatic happens in your life.

What I planned to write and share in my original post will be set aside for the future, because I really needed to sit with the realization that prioritizing rest doesn’t mean the same thing as always being at peace.

For those who don’t know, when my sweet husband Mark passed away in 2023, it was the second time that I’d been widowed. It is the reality of what has happened, but I don’t think that I’ve fully swallowed that pill. Though I’ve done a lot of “work”, I am recognizing that my capacity for so much has diminished.

Even things that I thought I would have the energy, time and desire for has diminished.

And that is what rest looks like for me right now.

It’s not really about being introverted and recharging quietly; though I think that has probably intensified…

I believe that rest is so straight forward and that I’m having to determine what that is for me in this season of living, feeling and grieving. I am moving forward and learning more about myself, using the tools you gain when you try to care for yourself without the person you thought you’d partner with for the rest of your days. And it’s exhausting because you realize that more life is also more death.

Bleak. I know, but stick with me.

I’ve been trying to explain this for so long and I don’t know if I’ll be able to say it well or as clearly as I want to now. But, rest is not something you acquire once and never have to revisit again. It isn’t something that can be stored up on that dream vacation or when the kids finally go to bed and the house feels quiet. And rest certainly can’t come from getting that to do list crossed off and completed.

Rest is an internal thing.

And until recently, I thought that rest equaled peace. And quiet. And confidence. And clarity.

But, now I’m recognizing that rest is something more than that and it’s different for everyone in different seasons of their lives. The things I’m wrestling with at this season of my life requires a different type of rest. And a constant pursuit of it.

Right now, my restlessness is coming from thinking I knew what I would be doing and how I would be doing it and who I’d be doing it with at this point in my life but accepting that this just is not the case for me.

I promise I’m going somewhere with this…

What I’m finding to be a new way of defining rest for me and at this season of my life is a more tangible, real way of releasing control. And old ways of viewing myself are not in alignment with who I really am and definitely not in the ways I’ve presented myself to God and to others. Rest - for me - is becoming more and more about being quieter in the big world (social media, larger groups/audiences) and louder, more authentic and truer in smaller circles with people who are willing to hear the conflict and wrestling and fear and lack of surety and know that I am still moving toward God.

It is SO uncomfortable.

I get why we don’t want to practice quieting our minds and tending to what’s really happening within our hearts. It’s sometimes icky and very messy in there. Who we want the world to see isn’t as aligned with who we truly are and what we really believe. The rest we so desperately want, eludes us. I’ll speak for myself.

The rest that I want is on the other side of the person I want folks to like and accept.

Maybe you knew this, but it is something that continues to come up for me. And where the resistance to rest comes from for me. And maybe you have resistance too. That’s normal. Not to always be in a state of frustration and resistance, but to accept that it is part of the process in moving toward being real rested.

There is a struggle to be anticipated on the way to experiencing rest.
As long as we are interacting with people, we can anticipate unrest and the need to recalibrate with refreshing rest. Yes. Ironically, it’s exhausting.

I am not dismayed though because I know where I want to be and it is not in isolation away from others nor is around those who I have to tamp down who I really am to be in relationship with them. Rest is not just one thing at one time in our lives. It can look and be different at different times in our lives. And I think we only know what it really is when we’re willing to be honest about who we are before God.

Right now, tonight, as I type this with a glass of red wine and a “Just for Writing” Spotify playlist in the background, I am so clear about the fact that what was restful to me last year and even the year before is probably all related to being earnest and honest. And all the effort and energy I’ve wasted trying to be someone more palpable for the masses, missing the genuine love and support of the few who could see me most clearly (and severely flawed) all along.

In my desire to be present and live fully, I’m realizing that I will be most at rest when I am the most honest about how clueless I am. I know, rest renegades. I K-N-O-W. This is not what I thought I would come to realize about rest. And I know that it’s not scientific data or backed with loads of examples of how true this is for so many other people. But, if you’re even a little tiny bit like me and bend toward being someone who is willing to quickly set your real self aside to present the more tolerable version of yourself, this may be something to spend some time considering more deeply.

What I’m suggesting is for you to be really honest with yourself about yourself. Find a few folks who can handle that honesty and have at it. Between God and a few folks who can hear ALL OF THE THINGS, I’m finding myself wrestling and rested. I will realize, reflect and then need to rest because dang - this process is exhausting.

I may look like I’m back to normal or over the pain of the loss, but it’s so much more complicated than all of that - even with my faith in God’s goodness and perfect love. Rest is something that I’m constantly needing to re-evaluate as I age and accept my life.

Forgive me if you’ve heard me talk about rest as if it was easy to prioritize. I never meant to make you feel like it was something that didn’t require time, attention and sacrifice, because it does. Or that it was easy or got easier if you just did it more often. What I’m accepting is that real rest is a bit more complex than just putting it on your calendar and on your priority list.

I think that’s what this Substack is about (or going to be more about). I don’t have this thing all figured out but I can’t stop thinking and talking about it to anyone who will listen. And so I hope that you will sit with yourself - your real self - and find some solace in the fact that real rest can come when you embrace the reality of who you are, even if it isn’t the person you really want to be…yet.

It is my hope that we wouldn’t push past the broken, not-so-put-together versions of ourselves to the curated, cleaned-up iterations we want people to tolerate. And instead, bring our whole selves to a few folks (not the internet y’all - not.the.internet) who we can trust to see our anger, depression, fear, pain and deep hurt and still know that rejection is the furthest thing from their minds and hearts. God loves you right now, dear reader. He does - He can’t help Himself.

And you get to do the same…
Real rest is in admitting and accepting that you are perfectly loved right in this moment. Even when you’re wrestling, overwhelmed and unsure of how the real you will be received. Honesty is refreshing. I hope you find time to reflect and go “there”.

More soon about what I think comes next. But, for now - try not to busy or distract your way out of sitting with, reflecting on and loving the real you.