hurting to healing: my desert takeaways

the first five

Hi Resties!

It’s me again…

I know, I’ve been writing and posting almost daily. It’s just the flow right now and I’m rolling with it into something that I believe is going to help open up a new level of awareness about rest.

If you’re new and haven’t read about my journey into the desert, take a few minutes and go back and read those two posts here and here.

My original plan to write about my experience and takeaways from the desert one year after the fact, changed recently when I was forced to look at myself more closely. While I’m not ready to delve into that yet (still raw, still processing), I know that my being an in-patient at a behavioral and wellness facility in Arizona last summer is definitely part of why I’m not completely upside down and completely in the dark like I used to be.

I won’t give you any impression that this one-week intensive was easy or solved all my issues and concerns. Ironically, it’s actually done the opposite. My junk is still my junk and life continues to life, it’s just that I’m healing which is demonstrated in the ways that I’m responding (instead of reacting). I didn’t see this or understand that this was happening inside me. I couldn’t actually measure growth.

But, change had happened. It has happened and I’d like to share TEN of my biggest takeaways from my time in the desert. For the sake of your time and my own ability to spread this out, this will be shared in two posts; five in part one and five other takeaways in part two.

As you read, I’d like you to look for connection points for yourself, because after all - when one of us does the work, we all do the work.

Photo by Christoph von Gellhorn on Unsplash

ONE. THAT DEEP KNOWING

Every morning, each person would verbalize their thoughts and emotions through the prompts on the whiteboard. The one that made me giggle the most was about “disenfranchisement” and your desire to flee. This stuff was hard and at times really big that I wanted to run, scary animals and scorching sun be damned.

But, the biggest takeaway for me during the daily check-ins was the “DEEP KNOWING”.

When sharing your deep knowing, it was described as this thing inside yourself that you just know intuitively is true and real. It’s the kind of stuff you say out loud about yourself or your situation that you don’t dare speak aloud in the presence of others. Maybe you know that if you do that it will tear your world apart. Or that the hearer will start convincing you that your perspective is wrong and convincing or manipulating you to change it.

When sharing your “deep knowing” it was clear that it took bravery and courage and the only thing to be done by the listeners who were holding space was just that - to hold space. No advice giving. No questions. Just let it be spoken.

This was huge for me. And it comes up for me again during my current season of growth and transition because I realize that one of the biggest reasons I find myself overwhelmed and busy with distractions is because I am afraid to admit my deep knowings and let them take up space.

Because the truth is that once the “deep knowings” are released from the dark, you can not ignore them any longer. They are liberated and then demand attention, even if they don’t yet require action.

This is a powerful practice and when I am courageous, I find that these wise, holy things planted within me are meant to take up space in the world for great purpose - even if we don’t know exactly why or what the outcome may be.

TWO. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?

It was me. I mean, I knew that the life I was living and the way that I was showing up everywhere was not happy, good or peace-filled.

But, I’d been taught in my faith for all of my life that none of this was about me. That I shouldn’t center myself or my feelings or my heart. And so, I would often look externally to why things were so upside down. I trusted and believed that it was more than what was going on inside of me, but more about what had happened in my life.

All the death, the loss, the transition and the pain - I was hurting and needed to go someplace to get fixed by external forces so that I could become tolerable and fit in.

But, what I learned was that “psychic trauma” is the culmination of pain and fear from all types of things that ultimately cause a whopping set of defenses that keep us out of our feelings and wounds. This leads us to making everything about everyone and everything else. Then the hidden pain which we’ve been convinced to keep from others, never leaves us. We project our unhealed pain from the past and make it about people, and the past but never own the mess we’re making in the present.

What was “wrong” with me was that I was heavily focused on what had happened to me and not on who I was and what was within me. When I learned that I needed to be more conscious of myself, I began to understand where control comes from.

THREE. WELCOME THE DARK PLACES

I won’t do these justice, so I encourage you to do some research about these two things yourself. For me, the dark places were in my head and clouded my view on everything. Because I could barely see the light, I talked negatively to myself and was a shell of the authentic, relaxed, calm and loving person that I truly am.

The dark can be terrifying. When I’m in the dark without any glimmer of light or hope, my mind and beliefs run wild with things that are designed to snuff out the shine within me.

We were invited to step into the dark places we’d been avoiding for so many years. Those dark spaces had taken up major spots in my life. It was the lack of self-confidence, the people pleasing, the over drinking and reckless spending. The darkness ran rampant in my doubt, comparison, jealousy and being ruled by the imposter syndrome that always kept me small.

The time in the desert taught me to invite my dark spaces on speaking terms. To acknowledge that the dark spaces need to be faced and the things that fuel the power of the darkness needs to be (constantly) addressed. That learning, growth and change - which I was desperately in need of - would only come if I stopped pretending that the darkness was small as a sliver under the door when it was actually as big as the night sky.

It felt good to stop pretending that the darkness was swallowing me whole and instead turn toward it and call it into the open by its name.

FOUR. ALL THE LOSSES

A takeaway that brought relief and disbelief at the same time was the understanding that I was in the desert gasping for life because of more than being widowed for a second time before turning 50 years old.

It was the loss of the comfort and community I lost when we set out an adventure and moved from Texas to Washington State.

It was the loss of support and connection when the person we all loved died and the ties faded revealing that they were only in place because of him.

I felt the loss of compassion that came when people shifted the subject when I wanted to talk about my husband, his death, my life and this pain.

I felt lost when I realized that support wasn’t patient because of the unsaid but acted upon behavior that my experience of being widowed should move me through this faster.

Internal dialogue incoming:

Nevermind the losses that I’d accrued over the years leading up to this most recent one: the loss of community when relocating from a community of people who look like you to a community where you are the only one, the loss of individuality because now you represent and speak for lots of people you don’t know but who share a similar skin color, the loss of your virginity to someone who didn’t care about you, another loss when you got intoxicated and a stranger read your advances as interested but instead took your security from you. Then there are the losses your choices bring to you - the change in career because you think it will look better than the thing you really want to do, the mother-in-law who didn’t choose you for her son and actively attempted to strip you of your dignity every chance she got. There was the death of your first husband and the court case to fight for his right to live when he specifically put in writing that he wanted you to protect his right to die. And then the loss of dignity when he did die and you contorted yourself into situations of desperation to go from being part of the “marrieds’ club” to choosing someone who never gave their heart to you. Your efforts to make it work caused more losses to your soul and to your ego - you were unsafe and unprotected which finally led to divorce. You sold your home. There was loss of money and jobs and friendships. But, the worst loss was (and still continues to be) the loss of connection to yourself.

The week in the desert wasn’t about being a victim. Actually, it was the opposite. The week was filled with revelations about these losses (and many others not mentioned).

We all had real big, heavy, hard things that come up in the work we were doing. I think that’s the point. We all have hard things and a life filled with loss - if we’re truly honest.

But, it isn’t the losses that define your life. It’s how you internalize them and allow them to impact your soul’s identity that really matters. And that was news to me.

FIVE. TRIGGERS AS GUIDES

I do not like what I’m about to say and honestly, I had no idea the power of this revelation and takeaway until very recently.

I’d heard it shared again at a work event for other people back in March. But, it’s been my most recent life transition that I’m beginning to embody this truth.

When we were doing the work in the desert and tough things came up, it often jumped through the room from person to person and heart to heart. Remember - we were complete strangers and knew nothing about one another until we started doing the work. There were no pre-surveys or WhatsApp groups with prompts to give us an idea of what we’d be doing or who we’d be doing it with.

So when someone was invited to dive into the work and then went in bravely and authentically, it always stirred up someone else’s stuff. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I mean incredibly uncomfortable. Because it was hard to watch pain embodied show itself and then fight to remain while bravery and deep work gave it a clear way out.

We were exhausted at the end of most days. Refreshed and hopeful, but tired because those things we’d been holding onto were loosening and when we were willing to get into our own stuff, we helped someone else find relief too. The triggers from the wounding of others became welcome guides on the path to healing our heart wounds.

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I know this is a lot. And I promise, these posts are going somewhere better; more toward healing and big love.

But, right now, I need you to know how down and desperate I was. What was happening within me and how disconnected from myself I was while enduring these things.

The next five takeaways are coming in a few days to give you time to ingest my words and experiences. You may not be able to relate to all of these, but I hope something resonates with you on the path to deep knowing, wholeness and real rest.

Light is coming.

More soon, Resties!