my new favorite...

I'm falling in love.

The whole point of this post is to have you saying this mug’s phrase to yourself and meaning it.

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I have thought about coming back and posting here a dozen plus one times since my two part series about being transformed in the desert. But, I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to do it until I felt ready to clearly share my purpose for the post.

That’s been a thing for me lately…

Doing what I feel like without shame or criticism. It’s new because for so many years, I’ve focused on obligation and responsibility and what my actions looked like to others. What they needed from me. I think I’ve always been concerned that doing what I felt like doing (the right best things) would be too self-centered or focused and be repellent for the things and types of relationships I crave. But, it’s actually made doing the things I don’t enjoy - but need to - so much easier…

After writing so candidly about the things that led up to my need for the intensive grief therapy in the desert last summer, I was spent. I didn’t know how to come back to this space before I took some time to process that I had lived those things. I wrote it, then I needed to feel it. And this was the perfect time to do it because I had an unusual window of opportunity to “sit in it” and so I did.

For the first time in a few years, I’ve been free to fully focus on my feelings and then act on them.

retreating from busy

It was weird.

My default has been to fill up open spaces in my schedule with doing and achieving and proving, but this stretch of non-travel and few personal commitments was my invitation into an awakening.

I travel a lot for work, but found myself only having one week long commitment in two months. That’s a lot of time when you’re used to being in a different city and hotel for many weeks out of the year. To be transparent, I was a bit scared of what all of that back-to-back unscheduled time meant for me.

Normally, I would make lots of appointments - for therapy, pedicures, massages, chiropractor visits, trips to bookstores, solo and group experiences, lunch dates, coffee dates - you name it - I would have defined my value by how busy and connected I could keep myself; or rather how I thought those things would make me feel about myself.

This is the longest stretch in my old adult life (as opposed to my young adult life) where I’ve only been responsible for myself. I was going to take this time and be uncomfortable with being alone. I wasn’t excited, Resties! I was terrified. And for the first few weeks, I numbed my way through my alone time trying to take the edge off of the reality I’m living. But, then slowly, I began to look at it as a gift. It was a different way to rest and retreat and I was going to get into it.

My retreat consisted of pushing back against requirements and responsibility in my free time. If I was tired, I would go to bed. If I wanted to shorten my walk, I took a different path. If I wanted to reply to a text or email, I did (or didn’t). I put my calendar away and would only write down things I knew I would have a difficult time remembering. Instead, I allowed myself to let thoughts float away knowing that if I had to prioritize it, it would come back clearly - and it always did.

My list of responsibilities didn’t magically disappear. That’s not a bad thing or a sad thing, it’s just a real thing. And since this reality wasn’t changing, I needed to change.

running toward myself

This time quickly turned into the clearest revelation I’ve EVER had about why busy women stay busy. Because facing ourselves with full transparency about the darkness we strive to hide and ignore is not for the faint of heart. It’s why we constantly associate who we are with what we do, what our successes look like and how we compare to those around us. Why would anyone choose to sit alone with themselves weekend after weekend after weekend and refuse to run away from the stuff we’ve all agreed not to talk openly about (but struggle with collectively).

Because if you’re willing to sit with that awesome woman, you’ll find that everything you know to be amazing about her is right beyond the point where you check out on and abandon her for prioritizing other people and other responsibilities. Maybe that’s only true of me.

It was on the brink of week six of no real plans but to be home with myself and a very, very open schedule that I began to shift into having a heightened, conscious awareness of who I really am.

That’s where this whole experiment began. With the question I could not really answer…

”Who are you, Regina?”

I won’t rob myself of the process by telling you all the things I’m learning, because I want my embodiment of it to be experienced when/if you interact with me. I want you to notice the shift and feel the shift and be curious about how that same shift can help you answer that same question about you in your soul.

I’m actively praying to forgive myself for the ways I’ve abandoned and avoided quality, loving time with myself. I am ashamed. But, I won’t remain that way because I’m gaining more and more clarity and confidence when I walk right into the invitation to sit with myself and love her.

It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful. I am beautiful.

being your own favorite person

In refusing to repeat the ways that I’ve tried to outrun myself and search for validation, attention and love outside of me, I am stronger in the best ways. Now with the capacity to hold the truth about myself that has been rejected by others (and often abandoned by my own self) and love her with passion.

I no longer dread time by myself.

Instead, I dream about what it would be like if every woman was genuinely her own favorite person; beyond what she has done, earned or won. I am deeply curious about how our circles, communities and culture could be changed if every single woman moved and lived and loved from the space and place of being her very own best friend and favorite human to consistently prioritize and pamper, never to be abandoned or ignored, always validated and championed by and from within oneself.

I have been known to say that my (now) 26yo son is “my favorite person”.
If you’ve met him, you know there’s quite a bit to love. He is just easy. And joy. And fun. And light. And, and, and…

But, why was I so conditioned to think that I couldn’t view myself the same way. Or better yet, why did it not ever cross my mind to start with me at the top of the list and add him and others loving and caring for them from a place of wholeness, healing and love.

Maybe the question about knowing who you are is too big for you to answer right now because your identity is tied up in performance and pleasing and presumptions. Instead, maybe you could try clearing time you normally fill with things you don’t really have to do and spend time learning about yourself - it’s an important step toward becoming your own favorite person.

As you move toward this fabulous vixen, give yourself permission to let go.

Let’s release living stressed and unhappy and overwhelmed.
Let’s quit rushing to consume more information but not slowing down to embrace and embody what our bodies and hearts are trying to show us.
Let’s resign from hustling our discerning divine nature into silence that is slowly eroding our joy and dimming our light.
Let’s challenge the spaces and places designed to maintain the status quo and that crown the celebrity chasers.

Instead, let’s pursue the beauty, peace, light and love that comes with becoming our own favorite people first.

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Becoming my own favorite person is a rest of my life journey.

It makes me giddy.
Or maybe it’s just nervous, awkward laughter. Because it’s quieter out here than I think it ought to be. There aren’t many women out here in this neck of the woods daring to put down the ways of the world for something sweeter.

I hope that you will put your normal on pause and prioritize the pursuit of getting to know your new favorite person. That’s you!