offline living + reprioritizing the forgotten

what I'm up to and thoughts about turning 52 years old

Y’all, I’m so grateful for the feedback I’ve been getting about this little corner of the internet.

One of the things you resonated with most is the pace of the posts. And I’m so glad, because the last thing I want to do is be stressed and add stress to your life too.

The rhythm has been sweet…
You may recall that I’ve been away from Instagram for all but a few hours in the past six months. (I had to log on to find out why my grown son wasn’t returning my messages - K-I-D-S!) I won’t go into the hiatus from social media in depth here except to say that offline living is so full and freeing. I won’t be returning at the end of my six month self-imposed challenge and don’t know if it is for the rest of time or another six months; I’ll write about that crossroads when I get there in August. But, what I will say is that if you think it’s undoable - concerned about what you may miss - consider what you’re already missing and how important it is to you to re/prioritize things that have been set to the side…

LIKE YOU.

I’m turning 52 years old this weekend - PRAISE GOD! - and am noticing so many things about myself since I’ve ramped up my offline living.

where a lot of my “offline living” takes place

Yes. There has been a lot of time to rest, but that’s because I’ve been intentional about that. But, even more than that, it’s been a lot of time learning what I really like and who I really am. Forgive me if you’ve heard me write about this before, but it keeps coming up from many different angles: who you really are needs to be seen, gurl.

Call it people pleasing, abusive relationships, toxic environments - whatever it is, you have to take responsibility for who you are (your values, preferences, beliefs, etc.) and how your honest/real self is contributing to things that may be making you tired, stressed, unhappy and not your best self. And staying busy doing what you think you’re supposed to or fulfilling all the demands of those who rely upon you will make it difficult to know that person.

I know that I walk a fine line with my Christian siblings when I write about the self. I know, I know. Breathe. Another one. Breathe sweet one. I’m not asking you to denounce our Creator and kick Jesus to the curb. But, I am asking you to ask yourself (and God) if all of the doing is really what you’ve been called to do.

In my six months of intentional time of sitting in the quiet, pulling back from pursuing the things that made me feel important and feel valued, I’ve seen how many lies I’ve taken upon myself from well-meaning believers and non-believers. In all of the doing and attempting to heal and become more tolerable, I’d neglected me. And honestly, I did not know, like or love me.

Now, before this gets suuuuuuppppppeeeeerrr sappy, let me tie this back to rest.

All of this talk about quiet and time to/for myself isn’t really new. Yes, I’ve been forced to be alone having been widowed twice, but even when I was married and my life looked and felt “normal”, I craved time with and for myself. Maybe, it’s that thing you want that you don’t have. When alone, you want companionship. When booed up, you want quiet alone time. (Don’t come for me, I’m just spewing truths many don’t dare to admit.) Add children and the desire to go to the bathroom, then wash and dry your hands, can feel like taming a unicorn; truly a herculean feat.

But, does any of that erase the need for the type of rest that allows you to truly know and like yourself?!? Strictly a rhetorical question.

As I broach a new year - one more year out from the death of my sweet Mister and 20 years from the death of my salty Chad (that’s a compliment!) - I have so much compassion in my heart for women who have not yet decided that they are more than what they do, who they are married to/partnered with and the roles they play. Because, sweet woman - when these things go away or are taken away, you are left with you.

And it’s my hope that you would take regular time to prioritize and nurture her in whatever stage of life you are in right now that can be viewed as an investment into the person that you are becoming. I’m crying at my kitchen island as I type this. Crying because of all of the things that I have noticed about myself over the last 30 years the thing that stands out most is that I have not had the courage to be more openly compassionate toward the woman who was growing (poorly at times, well at others) into this big crybaby today.

Invest, sweet woman. Invest. Invest in YOU.

• Use that PTO and truly unplug - work can wait!

• Turn off your phone for two hours and listen to yourself

• Be curious about yourself and your preferences - look for and welcome changes

• Try something new without telling anyone

• Take that nap

• Do something that makes you giggle or reminds you of fond times

• Say kind, true things to/about yourself (can’t think of anything?!? look to the Bible for how God views you - it’s amazing!)

• Take that trusted person up on helping you for a few hours so you can BE not do

You won’t know how to invest in yourself if you don’t - wait for it… - make time to invest in yourself. Try not to complicate it, just start and know that it’s a process. I know - the “p” word, I don’t love it either.

FUNNY STORY…

Last February, at a work event the group was divided into two competing groups at a Game Show Battle experience.

Something I have learned to embrace about myself but still have a hard time admitting to othersis that I am a bit ummmm, competitive. So keep that in your mind.

Our team was in it to win it! One of the games was to have one team member in the front of the room with a small white board and dry erase marker while the rest of the team was behind the stand Family Feud style with the same supplies. The game master gave the instructions to complete the phrase or thought the same way as the person in the front of the room. It was me. I was up front and my team needed to nail the answer to this question:

”What is something that would make you happy to find at the end of a rainbow (not gold)?”

Y’all. Know me. Love me. Many of you probably already know the correct answer. It’s books. B-O-O-K-S was the correct answer. But, that’s not what your gurl said. Nope, I was in full on trying to think of what the group had just learned and how they had seen me in work mode during the event that I leaned on an answer that was an external-others’ focused answer. Ugh. I am itching recalling this moment.

What made it worse?!? While the team was conferring on the answers - totally allowed - one of my closest friends was telling the team what to write (BOOKS) - because she knows me and knows that I really enjoy books and reading and shopping for books. Anyway, I digress.

The team had come into agreement and then I flipped my board around and it was like I’d answered as an alien. I don’t even know what I said, but the instant disappointment I felt hurt my heart. I had betrayed myself. I had quickly put me and what I know I like and prefer aside for the good of the group when it was not necessary or called for.

The point of that sad story (we did still win, but that was not a victory for me) is that I believe we do this to ourselves tons of times in a week. Because we won’t pause to rest offline and alone in the quiet, we don’t recognize ourselves when it’s safe and welcome to show up completely.

I don’t want that for you.

So, I hope that sometime in the next two weeks - before the next letter drops - that you will invest and prioritize some restful YOU time. And to attempt to be somewhat helpful, I’m going to share some of the ways I’ve been making offline living a priority this for myself recently.

WHAT I’M LISTENING TO

Mac Sinise: Resurrection & Revival on Vinyl - Part 2 - There is something about listening to something created by someone who is no longer alive that speaks to my heart; it’s a beautiful album (Part 1 is great too!)

The Year of Yes - I have a Spotify Premium account so this is free for me. I listen when cleaning and cooking. It’s read by Shonda Rhimes (yes, that Shonda Rhimes) and I think it’s interesting to hear how she started showing up in her life and for herself.

Teddy Swims - Y’all, Teddy speaks! Forgive me if you’ve been a Teddy fan for a while. I’m a late adopter so it’s no surprise that I’m years behind his being discovered. I just appreciate that he sings the things that many people don’t really want to talk about - especially when you’ve experienced trauma and grief. I have broken his albums listening to them on repeat.

There are several other Spotify playlists that I’m enjoying too but those involve other groups of people. I will say this though - if you have the ability to create playlists and allow others to add/collaborate with you, it can be a great way to connect and create community around a shared focus. And it’s fun! (Did someone say “whimsy”!?!)

WHAT I’M WATCHING

Shrinking - This is definitely an adult show. But, I’m drawn to it because it is about a therapist whose wife is killed in a car accident. He is left to raise their teenage daughter while also trying to adapt as a therapist and grieve. There’s probably stuff I shouldn’t laugh at but when you’ve been there, it can be a relief to SEE your experience being validated on the screen. Harrison Ford is hilarious and I really really like Jessica Williams (who plays Gaby). I’m on my second time watching through both seasons.

Severance - I haven’t started season 2 yet (no spoilers please). I don’t want to watch it until I can sit down and enjoy it from start to finish. It is cued up for watching on my birthday so I can catch all of the subtleties that are addressed in this show. It is another show that touches on grief, so I suppose that’s why I am drawn to this one too.

How to Be Single - It’s the montage at the end for me. That’s all I’ll say about it. And that I’ve watched this movie 42 times since Thanksgiving. In the background while doing other things and while curled up on the couch crying into my blanket. It’s my Legally Blonde and Clueless of 2024/25. Do not judge.

WHAT I’M READING

I know that some people consider listening to books to be reading, but I’m not sold. Call me a curmudgeon, but I’m still firmly in the land of holding a device or a book and reading the words with my eyeballs. That’s why Shonda’s book is listed above. Now that we’re all on the same page (see what I did there?!?)…

(In Alphabetical Order by the Title)

Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy SEALs Lead and Win - Our supervisor and the managers on our team at work are reading and discussing the leadership principles described in this book.
Gentle & Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers - This was gifted to me by my church Community Group leader. I have only read a few pages, but cry at the beauty of Jesus’ gracious love for me (and all of us). It is not what I’ve understood, so it’s upending a lot of the legalism I’ve internalized in my faith. I’m going through it with this book.
Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives our Success - I will be expecting a group of volunteers that I serve with to read this book, so I’m reading it first. I hope that it will give us shared language and help us recognize our true hearts toward service and become genuine givers (instead of “matchers” and/or “takers”).
One Foot in Front of the Other: Daily Affirmations for Recovery - Gonna be honest y’all…This is a toilet read. (Not you judging while reading this on your phone from the toilet, right?!?) In spite of that, the messages hit on something that I need to contemplate related to recovery. I'll write about this more in my “special edition” post in August, but for now, let me say that I am in recovery. Not from substance or alcohol abuse, but from trauma and the manipulative spirit of people pleasing. Sometimes this book makes me mad, but that makes me curious and shows me where more of my work to be done is.
Razorblade Tears - I just started this hoping that I can finish it before my library book club meets next week. Right now, it’s giving Jodi Picoult’s Small Great Things (one of my top 10 recommended must reads). This one I’m reading on my Kindle and am really enjoying it.

If you want to keep up with what I’m reading in real time, follow me on The Storygraph (a GoodReads competitor). My handle is “readwithregina”.

WHAT I’M REFLECTING ON

I’m still working on my daily Gratitude Practice.
And while that has become a natural part of my daily rhythm - whether I’m home or on the go - I have noticed that I need an outlet for some of the things that I’m experiencing with all of the transitions, anniversaries, milestones and life-ing.

A friend recommended a journaling practice that she’s been doing and I have found it to be helpful too, so you’re welcome…

The Pivot Year: 365 Days to Become the Person You Truly Want to Be

I listen to the book on Spotify (again, free with a Premium account). The narrator reads the short excerpts to me and I listen - usually twice because I’m more of a visual learner - make a few notes and then shift to a playlist that digs into my roots. Sometimes this is my “Best Black Worship” playlist or “Teddy Swims” (I told you) or sometimes it is “Quiet Music for Writing/Reading” or another playlist that allows me to just sway and write and oftentimes just feel and weep.

I didn’t start this to become the person I truly want to be. I started this reflective practice because I honestly haven’t been completely sure of who I am. I want to know me more. This probably happens to every aging woman (please tell me this happens to all of us aging folks). And maybe even more so when you look back and see so much death and pain in your past. You endured those things and will be able to endure what is to come. Hopefully, you’ve changed and seen growth that you like - because how do you stay the same after going through such hellish times?!?

These are the thoughts that prompted me to delve into this journaling practice by Brianna Wiest. God and my faith (which I’m wrestling a lot with) makes an appearance in the focused writing and each day - I just finished Day 9 - I see a little something to celebrate or get more curious about. A couple of the times, I’ve seen myself with more clarity which hasn’t been something worthy of pride, but which has exposed some things I carry guilt about.

This reflective practice is about helping me connect more with who I really am. For far too many years, I have put a ton of time and energy into hiding this woman. What a shame.

We’ll see how it goes, but I think it’s one of the best birthday gifts I can give to myself - to sit with and acknowledge the truth of who I am and what I’ve done to myself and others. The stuff I know others will shame me for, distancing themselves - disconnecting and judging from a place of misunderstanding and fear. Not everyone of course. Not “my people”, but enough people to make you doubt the revelations you’ve had in your private offline living and then attempt to publicize. It’s bold. Which is why it helps for me to know that Jesus will draw me in closer, never taking his eyes off of me or turning His heart from me. In the quiet places I have more clarity about what is to stay quiet and what won’t be kept quiet any longer. Back to the “p word” (process). We’re all going through it and I believe we’re all going to be better for it - especially when we take time to bring our most rested real selves along.

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Thank you for reading along. I hope that you found something for you in this post. If you did, would you give me (it’s my birthday!!!) a like and/or comment about what resonated with you.

You can also forward this to a friend or two and encourage them to subscribe so they get my letters in their email in box as soon as they are posted.